Archive for September, 2007

Contract: In the Event of a Birth

September 20, 2007

Contract: In the Event of a Birth

I wrote the following for a friend years ago.  I'd consider using it myself one day….


Husband Smith

Re: Father/Husband contractual obligation

The above named individual agrees to certain conditions mentioned hereafter concerning the birth of said individual and spouse's first child and any subsequent births resulting from the confluence of said above mentioned individual and said spouse.

1. Individual agrees to take out the garbage on a regular basis without being asked and without first noticing that vermin has become attracted to said garbage and has taken up permanent residence.

2. Individual understands that it is now their responsibility to take on the bulk of the care of the feline population including but not limited to Feeding, Watering, Chasing Felines that have Strings Hanging Out of their Rears and Changing the Litter (see #1). Said spouse will continue to take on the responsibility of Playing with Felines until felines decide that they are not getting enough attention and mysteriously double their trouble-making capabilities. At this time individual will become responsible for cleaning up any mess resulting from Cat Sulking.

3. Individual realizes that even with the myriad of rewards of parenthood that said spouse would occasionally require an evening in the company of other adults and ONLY other adults and understands that said spouse would rather enjoy having individual present for said evening-in-the-company-of-other-adults. In the event of such an occasion individual is responsible for helping to plan – including but not limited to having the child(ren) otherwise engaged (preferably with another adult and without the use of duct tape) and making sure that above named individual is not himself engaged with silly little mundane things like work. If this is not possible by any means then the individual understands that there will be certain consequences (see 3a).

3a. If the individual is not capable of setting up an evening-in-the-company-of-other-adults-and-ONLY-other-adults then he understands that he will accumulate vouchers for another EITCOOA. The rate of exchange will be (quite fairly) two evenings for every one evening cancelled which individual is expected to make good on within two months time. The penalty for not following through with the Two Evening Payback will expire after two months and result in an unlimited spree in both Target and Kids-R-Us.