Archive for October, 2007

Early Warning Dating Signs You MUST NOT Ignore

October 20, 2007

 There is no true end to this list. For every social faux pas that we use to single out one of The Umarriageable there arises a new and improved one to confuse us and keep us dating. Its just like that mousetrap saying. The best we can do is keep on top of it and keep informed. Sometimes we need to see things in print before we can truly internalize them. This is where I come in. Of course, everyone possesses 20/20 hindsight. Thats a cake walk. It has been suggested to me that dating should be much like weight watchers or deal-a-meal. One should attempt to establish a point system. Value your most important interests highly. Value the less important peripherals low. Score your potential partner. How do they rate? Run. Simple as that.

Following are some early warning signs that should get you up and running before they manage to sneak a toothbrush into your bathroom. But be wary – I once had a not-quite-a-boyfriend-yet sleep over and just never went home. We dated for two years and even after I kicked him out I came home and found him walking around my apartment in his boxers. They’re a sneaky lot.


‘Do rags – This has just recently been suggested to me and therefore winds up on the top of the list. This is easy. If you meet them and they are wearing a ‘do-rag – run. Don’t ask questions. Don’t make excuses. There is no good reason for a person who possesses any semblance of pride to be wearing a ‘do rag. In public. In private. Doesn’t matter.

Friends – If the person who is attempting to woo you can not introduce you to ANY friends in the first two weeks that you know each other – forget him. There’s a reason for that.

Speedos – no comment.

Chaps – I once made the argument that chaps were a necessary way of life making the disclaimer that they were functional – not fashionable and should be worn as such. I’ve changed my mind. Don’t do it. Don’t go for anyone who does.

“One Day….” – these two words, followed by ANY statement at all, are a red flag that prove – usually beyond all doubt – that the speaker is full of crap. “One day I will get a better job and I will stop leachin off of you”.  As a public service you are responsible for telling him so. My favorite is “You’re so full of shit, your eyes (are) should be brown”. It gets your point across and when you tell the story later – your girlfriends with think its very funny.

Kid Cooties – Sometimes a man will TELL you he wants children and not really mean it. I know thats hard to swallow girls but its true. Let me inform you: There is no known allergy to children. When a toddler wanders near and he breaks out in a rash – he CAN help it. And when a child touches him and he behaves as though hes just been burned – run. He doesn’t really like children. If you have to TELL him that a ball point pen is not a suitable toy for a 10 month old. Run. Thats just stupid.

Hobbies – Does your prospective man DO anything when he’s not with you? Its cute when he tells you that what he’s DOING is thinking about you but if its TRUE? Well, thats a signal. He needs something to do to keep himself busy and his brain from turning to mush. And no – porn is NOT a hobby.

Pop Culture References – Seems like such a nit-picky thing but getting pop-culture references not only makes conversation more fun – it shows you that the person you are scoping out not only has been alive all these years but has been paying attention. Its no fun when you make a roaringly funny pop culture joke and everyone else laughs in the room but that one person who says – “Who?”  Even less fun when you are dating that person.

Ability to Cull From All Experiences – related to the pop-culture references section above, your new honey should have the ability to get real-life benefits from almost any and all experiences. There’s a lesson to be learned in all incidences. If the only thing that he learned from his 3 years in the Army is that the hot-dogs arent that bad – then lose him. There’s something wrong with that. Its that paying-attention thing. Did he spend three years in Tibet guarding the Dalai Lama? What did he learn? If the only thing he learned is that Skin-So-Soft really does keep the mosquitoes away – then you know something is not right.

Massage – Dont date a man that can’t or won’t give you a massage. Just don’t.



Where’s the Baby?

October 3, 2007



So today one of the other first grade students came up to me to ask permission to use my jumpropes at recess.  Dimples, great smile, he always asks may I, please and thank you. 


He taps me on the stomach “May I please use a jumprope, Mrs. Spatta?”

Me: “Uh oh!  You just tapped the baby!”

Him: “Baby?!?  There?!? Sorry!”

Me: “Yep, there’s a baby in there.  Who do you think the baby looks like?”

Him: “I dunno….” (and he lifts up my shirt to look!!!)